| Lookee, lookee!! |
[16 Nov 2006|10:48pm] |
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mood |
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 slightly |
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music |
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apoptygma bezerk - burning heretic |
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Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html
Hey, and I always thought this thing was rigged to make you feel mental!! And now I'm officially not, cos the internet said so! woo hoo!
Also, I have internet in my flat again, yet another reason for improved mental health!
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| More cat pictures |
[21 Aug 2006|11:04am] |
Aha! It worked!!
A Nightmare with tongue.
Angry Morph - get out of my garden!
Nightmare with tongue - again.
Guess who got a digital camera for her birthday!!
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| Cat Picture? |
[21 Aug 2006|11:03am] |
This might take you to Morph....
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| All is well |
[13 Dec 2005|02:24pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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Still! Been a few glitches - just got over a pretty downward pointing mood (worst in a while) but I'm good now! Jonathan is still here, still going ridiculously well. He's coming up to Aberdeen with me for Christmas, which means we have to take the boys with us as well, which my mother isn't too happy about. I think they'll be fine though, they are still babies, and I couldn't ask someone to spend half of Christmas day sitting in my flat to keep them company. They are my family anyway, so they should be with me. As long as they are near me and Jonathan I think they will be OK. They had their first trip to the vets the other week and were almost totally unfazed by it. Certainly not scared about being in new surroundings, and its only for 3 days.
Apart from that, we are also off to Lincoln on Monday for Polly's 21st birthday. Emily is coming through too, so hopefully get to spend some better time with them both - and they can get to meet Jonathan properly.
We all met up in Nottingham the other week for the Scarling gig. But it was an absolute nightmare! Paula came down as well and got refused entry to the gig on account of having no 'official' ID. So her and Jonathan went to a pub, and me and my sisters watched Scarling play for all of 40 minutes! And it took forever to drive there and back. And because I was driving I couldn't drink. And I had the worst PMT I've had in ages... really really irritable and teary. Jonathan was unbelievably good though - never has anyone been able to talk me down from a hysterical PMT state, but somehow he managed it! The joys of going out with someone who is actually more stable than me!
Nearly there with uni as well thank god. One last assignment which I should have done by Friday (well I'd best do as Im off to Aberdeen to get the car then!).
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| VNV Nation!!! |
[25 Nov 2005|05:53pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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Nick Cave - Nocturama |
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Went to VNV last night at the student union - fucking brilliant! The front-guy was hilarious, music was amazing and I danced like a twat. They did 2 encores, which was brilliant, but irritatin cos I was really knackered by this point and in need of a pint. But worth it as the last song they played was probably my favorite one ever
Nordic Dave escorted me there, and met Jonathan beforehand and all went well. Was a bit worried he would feel awkward, but they seemed to get on OK. Jon, Yan etc. were all there too - first time I've been out with them all since Whitby, so was really good.
Things are going really well with Jonathan still. He cooked his first vegan dinner for me yesterday! And bought the cats their scratching post and new toys...he is totally lovely.
Just got a load of work to catch up on now...ah well...
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| Conference |
[12 Nov 2005|09:20am] |
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loved |
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Nowt - sleepin person |
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YAWN!!!
I am bloody knackered.
In London for the day for a conference on Self Harm - well, possibly will be more like a seminar really - I'm going to have to mingle, and I'm pretty scared and anxious about it all. Its for an internet based support group for people who self-harm that I joined a year or so back as part of prepping for my phd. Since then, I've hardly looked at the site, certainly haven't used it, and not even read the newsletter. I thought it would be a good opportunity to get down to London to see Dean, Jo and James. And that it was the sort of thing I should start going to - as an observer if nothing else. I just know I'm going to stick out, no-one will know me, and I'll have to explain and they will probably just take one look at me and write me off as a stupid wee girl. Or maybe they won't and I'm just having a lack of faith in humanity episode.....
Am so tired because I couldn't sleep last night. The young man I mentioned in the last entry stayed with me every night after. So last night was our first night apart in a week - and, jesus, it was horrible. I am scared, very very scared, at how much I like this guy - and its completely reciprocated which is REALLY weird.... although I'm enjoying it immensly, there is a small part of me searching for the problem, waiting for it all to come crashing down... but hey....hopefully it won't...optimism Amy, optimism!
So, I had about 3 hours sleep all told, and unfortunately only 3 hours the other night as well.... too much drinking, merry making and general debauchary.
Its nice being back in London though, despite him being ill its been good seeing Dean again. We went out for pizza yesterday (bad vegan) - was well nice, although I ate far, far too much and felt ill and had to leave rather abrubtly - BUT i didn't drink any wine (or other alcohol) - so had my first sober night in over a week. Which was as awkward as ever. Possibly another reason I didn't sleep... moan moan moan! And Dean doesn't have coffee!! I knew this, why didn't I buy any? I think I might die!!!
Or maybe I'll just drink tea and then get dressed, go out and be a functional member of society?!
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| kittens!! |
[07 Nov 2005|03:17pm] |
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cheerful |
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music |
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Kaiser Chiefs - Employment |
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I have babies!! Quite literally, they are so wee! Only just 9 weeks old, so I think maybe they should still be with their mother, but hey, they have me now and seem to be doing OK. The sleep loads and when they're not sleeping they are being stupid bastards and falling off things, eating my feet and hair and knocking ashtrays over.... bless. Its making me keep clean if nothing else - am well paranoid about the whole flat stinking of cat litter.... apparently it doesn't ... but the individual who said that may just have been being polite... hmmmm
Apart from that all is well! Amazingly considering I'm drinking too much, but hey, as James said - I do need to stop blaming everything on drink... So its good - I got all my work done last week - tutorials fine (apart from the bastards not doing any reading, so generally the discussion degenerated into gossip - but hey, if they don't do the reading there is little else I'm prepared to do).
Now have 22 essays to write though... and the tutorial this week to prepare for, and all my other stuff, *and* I'm going to London this weekend! The social whirl of my life eh?! Aye right! Well, it should be interesting anyway. The uni is paying for me to go down cos there is this AGM for a self-harm support group. Chloe is going to stay with the wee ones for me.
(They have stupid names...of course...there is Morpheus, the little one who sleeps all the time, and Nightmare, the fat bastard that won't stop eating and walks poo through the house) - I worry that the names made the cats!
Back to the grindstone now I feel... wasted far too much time already today, was out with a young man last night and didn't go to bed til 4am...bad Amy... but, nothing is slipping yet - I don't think!
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| Ow |
[25 Oct 2005|08:44am] |
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 anxious |
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music |
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bloc party - silent alarm |
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Apologies for potential self-pitying rant to follow....
OW!!! I hurt. Damn bastard alcohol. My torso is aching, my arms are aching. My head feels like it should be exploding. 2 day hangovers suck. I suck.
Have too much to do this week. Whitby coming up on Friday, and before that I have my tutorials to prepare for, two assignments to do, my first shift at the Auld Hoose, a philosophy meeting, a tutor training half day.... in 4 days. And I feel like crap. I know it is the because of the extended pickling session I gave myself over the weekend. Unfortunately this knowledge helps very little. I still feel, and possibly actually am, utterly incapable.
Have a meeting with my supervisor in a bit. Supposed to be presenting myself as hard-working, functional member of society... the last time I saw him I'd only had 4 hours sleep. This time I feel like I've only had 4 hours sleep and I keep forgetting things I should be asking him. Ah well.
Hopefully, if I get a large chunk of stuff done today I'll feel better. Should be able to get tutorial work out of the way, and at least start one of the assignments. Am trying very hard to make myself believe that I will start feeling better. Nothing stays the same and this is by no means the end of the world... it is just a bit fucking uncomfortable mentally and physically. But it is also my own stupid fault. I know what alcohol does to me. Anyway. enough.
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| proper student |
[12 Oct 2005|07:40pm] |
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mood |
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distressed |
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music |
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nothing....quiet library |
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Will keep this brief, as I'm in the library at uni 'preparing for a tutorial'... though not very succesfully it would seem....
Everythings going really well here! Well, generally....yeah, its good. Still a bit strange being up here and not being who I was two years ago, and bumping into certain people who really don't seem to realise I've changed... most odd. And unsettling. And not very nice, and I know its only going to get worse, well for a bit then it might get better. Will get better.
Have my Emily coming up this weekend though, so that should be good.. good clubs to go to and think I may allow myself a wee drink or 15... Have done really well so far with not drinking, really wanted to on several occasions,but holding out quite well.
Should be getting internet access all to myself soon too, so will no doubt update a lot more frequently when that occurs.... bye for now!
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| changes |
[13 Sep 2005|01:48pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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music |
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Raveonettes - Pretty in Black |
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Feeling distinctly unsettled, just need to keep reminding myself that this is entirely understandable given everything that is happening.
Had my last day at work on Saturday. Flying to Aberdeen tomorrow and from there on in my life is going to be so different. I have meetings with phd supervisors, people to see about my new 'job' of tutoring sociology undergraduates. Moving all my stuff from both Aberdeen and London into a new flat. Stopping drinking again.
Last few weeks have been fun, if a little (a lot) reckless. In a way though I wish I'd managed to stick to my not drinking plan - I know the effects alcohol has on me - feeling unsettled and this does not help with the generaly upheaval of the big moves and changes I need to cope with anyway. Feeling utterly unconfident in my ability to get thorough it all. I know I will, through neccessity if nothing else. But its scaring the crap out of me. I'm petrified that I will dissapoint all these people at the uni who somehow seem so confident in my ability to do a phd and tutor people. I feel like they are going to meet me and I won't live up to their expectations of either intelligence or capability. I worry that I won't be able to cope with academic life without drinking and smoking excessively. I guess I just need to not drink, and that in itself will help - I just need to stay strong and not allow myself to get pulled back into my usual ineffective and damaging 'coping mechanisms'. I just hope I can do this when a lot of my 'work' will involve studying and reading about people who have such similar coping mechanisms to myself. It all gets normalised and I start thinking its OK to do this. When its not, and I know now that I can cope without it.
I just want to get pissed though! Just for that oblivion. So I won't have to worry. But I know in the long run that makes me worse. And hopefully, after today, I simply won't have time. It should be all so exciting, in almost every way my life is changing for the better. I suppose I still don't feel like I deserve it sometimes.
Been eating too much aswell. So much for seeing my parents and everyone in Birmingham and being sober, slim and pretty. All the weight I lost not drinking has come back. My hair is a complete mess. Well, at least I'm nowhere near as disgusting or as disgusted with myself as I could be.
And I said I wouldn't be so self-obsessed and moany on here anymore. Ooops.
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[24 Jul 2005|01:41pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes |
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Still happy generally - still sober - one month today!!! Never, ever thought I'd do it. The longer I go, the less I'm even wanting to. Getting occasional longings for a cold pint of cider, or a really nice glass of wine, but on the whole it is really not bothering me.
Despite the lack of alcohol I have been drinknig fuck loads of coffee and smoking far too much. So physically I'm not feeling great and I've been getting pretty irritable - though thats more PMT I feel. So, next step it to cut down on everything else - be fucking t total if I carry on like this!!
Anyway, enough self-obsession. Bombs again, though not as bad as last time. Still a bit scary, but starting to get more irritating than anything else - it disrupts everything, and although they have been really good at getting the tubes back to normal quickly it is still annoying - that these people who are just being fuckin *rude* more than anything - pushing their world view and ideas of others by blowing (or attempting to) us up. Can't they just fuck off?!! I still find it impossible to understand how anyone can have the audacity to take, or attempt to take, another persons life. And for what? Its not gonna change owt, its going to make it worse... as we have witnessed time and time again, and now we don't so much get to witness it as live it. Violence begets violence.
They shot some bloke 5 TIMES in Stockwell the other day - 5 TIMES - because they thought he was a terrorist. Point blank range, he was on the floor and they shot him 5 TIMES. For FUCKS sake! I know emotions are running high and its a scary time but don't the police get fucking well trained? Is it in their training to fucking well kill people that quickly and easily. JESUS - unneccesary and violence once again is begetting violence. I thought we had gone beyond this level of barbarity - but obviously not. The majority will out and the majority appears to be mindless, agressive and thoughtless.
On happier, more 'normal life' notes - I told work I was leaving and that went fine, no problems. My landlady hates cats.... which caused me sleepless nights - how pathetic am I?! Have resovlved to either just get cats anyway and hope she doesn't visit much, or talk her into letting me get an old cat and promising that I (unlike her daughter in law or whoever) know how to look after cats and will clean out the litter tray and prevent them from 'ripping up the wallpaper' - not that I noticed any in the flat anyway.... pah! I'll get there.
Anyway, day off today, so will run off into the rain to do some shopping and have some peppermint tea and read my book - 'the fall of public man' by Richard Sennet, I remember Paula reading it, and although I've only just started it, it seems really interesting and particularyl fitting with my current state of mind.
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| YAY! Flats!! |
[14 Jul 2005|02:04pm] |
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excited |
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Kaiser Chiefs - Employment |
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I got one!! And its beautiful!!
Am back in Edinburgh for a few days. Straight off the train I phoned up to go view one right near the uni, went round and it was gorgeous. Ground floor, cosy, really good atmosphere, near everyone and everything I need and pretty cheap, so I've got it - the lease is in the post!
Am in a really good mood. Totally looking forward to being back up here permenantly and getting settled.
Still not drinking! Its day 18 today. Which, if I get through - which I will - means I've beaten my own perosnal best of 17 days since I was 14. I think I'm really getting the effects now. Before I've started to feel really good about everything but then celebrated with some wine and its all just started again. This time thats not gonna happen though. There are too many things I want to do and see and above all remember and understand.
Staying with Chloe at the moment which has been really nice. We went out for a meal last night, then back to her flat where we sat in the garden and I smoked while she drank wine, and later cocktails with Eugene and was altogether very pleasant! Lots of good chats.
This morning I've been to the botanical gardens for a small wander and to read the paper. All very civilised. Not quite sure what to do for the rest of the day, as I'd hoped to meet up with Colin but he's waiting for a call about a job or something. May go to an art gallery... may buy more books... may just find somewhere that has coffee and ashtrays to read..... the possibilities are endless... hmm, well maybe not quite. But I'm really content. Is especially nice to not be at work!
Still getting pangs of guilt as I haven't told them I'm leaving yet, but on the other hand I can't wait to get away. 2 months today.....
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| OK..... |
[08 Jul 2005|05:48am] |
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Bloc Party - Silent Alarm |
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Thank fuck, can't believe it. Its only really sinking in today. Have been angry - most unlike me, but now more sad than anything. Just hope this doesn't make anything worse than it already is. I'm concerned for people - freedom and tolerance. I hope we can rise above this, but already I've had to cope with small minded customers talking about 'shooting' those responsible. I'm kinda glad in a way that even something like this has not tested my pacifism overly. I felt like screaming at them, but hurting them? Will solve nothing and never will, as this is all testament to - violence breeds violence. We have had a taste of the violation our country has perpetrated on others - and as callous as that may sound - especially when put in the terms of a certain Mr. Galloway, it is nevertheless a sentiment which rings true. Like America, did we really think we would come through unscathed after the way we have acted? This doesn't make it right, and it is even more sickening in that the British people were not behind the war fully at all - but it puts a level of perspective on it all, which unfortunately is pretty fucking depressing....
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| My God, Its Working |
[06 Jul 2005|01:16pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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Bauhaus - The Passion of Lovers |
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Well, early days yet, but the sober thing is going surprisingly well. Went to the pub with James last Friday, despite him being my most alcoholic friend, and that I don't think we have ever spent time with one of us being sober, I did it - drank diet coke all night and actually had a really good time! Was quite nice being able to get home without staggering or getting confused or falling asleep on anything!
Before the big challenge of going up to Edinburgh, it looks like I have another trial this Friday, as Tim (cousin) has invited me to the B-Movie club thingy that I really wanted to go to last time but didn't have anyone to go with - so, I really want to go. But have to stay sober. Hopefully I'll do it and not get too stressed/insular/anxious - I've been feeling *pretty* comfortable in my own skin so far. I can't really afford it either, but I haven't seen Tim at all since I moved down, and was far too drunk at Becky's wedding to do much in the way of chatting and catching up and such like!
My hand's healing up really well and is loads better than I thought - not very wide at all and although it will scar I don't think it'll be too horrific.
Other exiting news!!! - I got funding for my phd! Woo- hoo! And its 12 grand! Which is a complete relief, means I can afford to get a flat on my own, and hopefully fill it with books, cats and plants. I'm really really looking forward to getting back into it, to not being so blatantly an instrument of capitalism, to doing something with my mind again!
Talking of which, with my new found clear head I have decided to do useful things with it, so I'm teaching myself philosophy, if only so I can argue with Chloe more effectively. Its really really interesting, bought a book I couldn't afford called the Philosophy Gym - which I got through in a couple of days but feel I'll have to re-read and 'think' about to properly get the effects - most of it was slightly concerning 'cos it backed up ideas I've held for sometime now, but with better arguments than I ever managed eg. the religious condemnation of homosexuality is irrational and unfounded on anything other than personal revulsion; eating meat is morally wrong; creationism is not valid as a scientific theory etc. However, there was a bit on relativism, which I have long been a proponent of, unfortunately the chapter concluded that it was often a hypocritical stance and circular and such like - which I was forced to agree with, but will definitely need to go over again!
Anyhoo, will go back to searching for flats in Edinburgh once again...
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| Drying Out |
[30 Jun 2005|03:13pm] |
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Interpol |
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Well, the decision has been made... a long time coming and far later than it should have been but, made at least. I am giving up. And I don't say this lightly by any stretch. Its been at the back of my head for ages, but I cannot, as anyone who knows me can easily testify, handle drinking.
This weekend I spent a few hours in A&E after falling over and gashing my hand open, then continued drinking, had a great time ranting at speakers corner (though this is only a 'I think I had a great time ranting at speakers corner'- I quite possible incoherently mumbled and made a tit out of myself, oh, and to clarify, I wasn't actually on a box or anything, but attempting to convince this racist, bigoted scary scary woman that she was wrong - backed up I might add by almost the entire listening audience!)
Anyway, so far, not so bad. But then I woke up. On a tube. At Brixton. No bag, no money, no coat and no tube ticket..... WHAT?!!! I am a fucking twat! So, this has to stop. Thankfully, John and Alex - visiting Edinburgh friends had all my stuff and turned up at my house about half an hour after I finally made it home, after falling asleep on tubes several more times.
The next day at work, my entire insides attempted to leave my body, from both ends in an excruciatingly painful manner. Surprised it hasn't happened before, but it would seem I had finally done it and got alcohol poisoning.
After several very helpful chats with Dean, Jo and my parents I decided that the time was now to stop. I can't carry on like this or I will die or be killed or kill myself. And I don't really want to. It kinda hurts, and I do think there must be more to life than not remembering it, and the bits I do remember being horribly embarassed cos it just isn't me.
Its going to be really really fucking difficult, I've been practicing with being sober for days at a time, but having to go out and socialise and have a life, I have not done sober since I was 13. I'm going to have to re-learn life. Which is both scary and upsetting. I'm feeling pretty emotional, and pretty alone. Having nightmares. But hopefully a lot of that is the last vestiges of alcohol finally leaving my system - 4 days later!
With all this sober time on my hands I'll no doubt be updating this bloody thing more often.
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| Same old |
[19 Jun 2005|07:57am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Moby - Play |
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Ummm... diary running risk of turning into self-pitying, alcohol induced drivel, which is not so much interesting as pathetic. So, no-more accounts of alcohol fuelled embarassments.
Instead the really really boring stuff of life.... Well, I'm finally a fully paid manager for Threshers, had my sign-off interview on Thursday and passed with flying colours, apart from a brief aside about my appearence... and I thought I'd done really well there as well! Just forgot to remove the chipped black nail varnish, apart from that I looked as presentable as one can in a Primark suit from last year... ha! Shall be glad to leave a world where appearence is so bloody important.... thinking of re-aqquiring braids and undercut soon, but after that I dont know if its worth the hassle and may just wait till I'm back in Edinburgh - how conformist of me.
Talking of which, I really wish I was back there! Its 29 degrees here, I am sweating buckets and feel like I'm being sapped of any desire to move or live... In Edinburgh its 21 degrees... I'm discovering the down sides of moving south....
Have been sober for 5 days again now, so have of course been reading lots. Orwell's Down and Out in London and Paris, or Paris and London, which is the way it is in the book. Was very good, wonder if anyone nowadays would go off and live the life of a tramp for a month or so... must say I did sympathise with his description of life as a 'plongeur' or general dogsbody in a large hotel... sounded like wetherspoons - long hours, drinking all the time when you're not on shift, and the occasional (I don't want to get sued here!) lapses in food hygene!
Re-reading Porno by Irvine Welsh, having borrowed that and trainspotting off Dean. Which I will probably spend the rest of the day reading, along with yesterdays Guardian. What fun eh? But as I have about 5 quid until Friday after paying for my travel card, I have little choice, and really, the heat and my state of mind aren't really conducive to any adventures... must say, sober adventures on my own aren't really appealing at the moment... sad to say.
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| Reasons I Shouldn't Be Allowed Out |
[09 Jun 2005|10:54am] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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Moby - Play |
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1. I drink too much
2. I have absolutely no self control when I drink too much
3. I do things which seem OK at the time but really, fundamentally aren't and are actually potentially life threatening....
So, I got drunk at the weekend and did something stupid... hopefully there will be no fall out. Especially as the person involved is someone who I don't know, and have no way of contacting.... Oh how amusing life is!
Also found out that the weekend before last - trivial pursuits and Cindy was not as good as I'd remembered, or better depending on your point of view. I got, in Dean's words 'completely hammered' (and I didn't think I was *that* drunk! Kissed Cindy 'the last thing I expected during a game of trivial pursuits' and had to be 'put to bed'. So, on hearing all of this on Friday, when I came to go out Saturday night my self-esteem and sense of self-worth were not at their highest. Though on arrival at the club on the Saturday I was, I thought, doing increadibly well at being a sociable, functional member of society - I made small talk with people, danced and had a good time.
Unfortunately, whilst having this 'good time', I was necking copious amounts of lager and was thus very suceptible to Jo's exhortions to go 'sharking' with her - a practice which I'd never heard termed as such before, which apparently involves dancing around searching for boys who will kiss us. Well, I managed it...though I don't remember how. Woke up in Islington with a strange Cambridge graduate/comedian/headhunter... spent a rather pleasant, if risky afternoon with him. Why, why, why.... its really only since I reached my 20s that I started acting like a sexually precocious 13 year old.....
Anyway... a lot of the last two weeks, mixed up as it has been with a lot of wine and beer has been particularly uncomfortable. I haven't felt right for a while, but its really been coming to a head. This mood abrubtly stopped yesterday, and now I'm feeling alright! No idea why, though the fact that work is settling down and I'm feeling a lot more like a competent manager now has probably helped. Also lots to look forward to, Jon coming to visit, Vicky's birthday, Saturday night off.... and only a week and a bit to find out if I have to stop it all because of the consequences of my actions.... OK, so I am living in a movie at the minute and there aren't any real consequences, but I feel that is my perogative... it makes reality a little easier to handle.
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| really sober, really boring.... |
[01 Jun 2005|11:43am] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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Moby - Play |
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In the last ten days, I have only drank on one! All very healthy and good... but not terribly interesting... not that I need to drink to be interesting... of course not... keep telling yourself that Amy!
The night I did drink was good fun from what I remember... which isn't a great deal, OK, the alcoholic contradictions appear now... I'm sure it *was* interesting, I just don't remember it too well! Went to James' for a barbeque, no meat of course, though we had to spend a lot of time cleaning the thing after his Slovakian housemates covered it in chicken when we went to pick up one of Vicky's friends! Was nice though, had lots of free wine from work, so had a couple of bottles, which I shared part of with said Vicky's friend, can't remember her name, she seemed OK, nothing to write home about.... the whole barbeque experience was starting to bore me... especially as Dean had phoned earlier and invited me round to his, but I was already at James' by this point... anyway, with the wine in me I decided to trek over to Harrow anyway... more chance of hugs over there and more in common with the company. It would have been nice to spend more time with James, but there were so many other people there, who I really didn't have much to say to...
Having said that I had interesting chats with a Slovakian about communism on half of the train ride up to Harrow. That was kind of interesting, never spoken to anyone whose actually lived in a communist country... having said that, I'm not entirely sure if any conclusions were reached... apart from that maybe he was kinda in agreement that it was a lovely idea but would never work... nature of human selfishness etc.
So, got to Deans, drank much more wine, apparently played trivial pursuit. I think it was good, woke up feeling good anyway, although in a bed with Dean *and* his mate Cindy who was visiting, slightly odd, but she left quite early and I got hugs which was very nice.
Since then though, and before then, have just been at work. Reading lots, bought a lot of books from charity shops when I got paid last week. So I've read that other Alex Garland book 'The Tesseract', which was pretty good, I really liked the Beach and thought I'd be disappointed, but I was pleasantly surprised... not about gangsters at all! I'm now reading a Hanif Kureshi book, an author I've been meaning to try for ages since watching the Buddah of Suburbia on TV years ago. Its called 'The Black Album', and its sort of enjoyable but also intensly irritating, I'm finding myself really dislking the main character who is just acting like a childish little shit, and getting taken in by these Islamic extremists who he doesn't actually agree with but is hanging out with out of some misplaced need to 'belong to his people' - the whole premise is on the surface perhaps a believable one, but not with the way he has portrayed the character, hes almost like two people - one of them incredibly sensitive and open to different ideas but not judgemental, the other blind and stupidly searching for a lost faith he's never even had in the first place... maybe I've missed something.. what I do know is that its becoming more and more uncomfortable to read, but maybe thats the point...
Unfortunately all my good intentions and clean living will be going to pot over the next few days... its Jo's birthday tomorrow, and I have the day off, so we're supposed to be going to Covent Gardens and then out drinking... Friday I may try to stay sober, but I have the evening off and not in till late the next day, so could go out, or round to Dean's.... Then, Saturday I'm either out with Jo for her birthday again, or possibly out with Tess from work which may be better than ending up in some god awful northern soul club again! Sunday its Tess's leaving barbeque... so yet more drinking... if I was capable of socialising without drink all would be well, but that is one hurdle it will take a good while to get over... its only been recently I can cope with myself sober, let alone other people!
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| sober ish... |
[24 May 2005|07:42pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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The Cure - Singles |
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Made it to the wine fair in the end! Was very lucky and didn't have to be confident in the slightest... Dean impressed the hell out of me by swanning around in a suit, pretending he knew about wine and demanding free samples - we got 8 bottles out of it!!! Which we then proceeded to drink.... well, most of them anyway, I think there was one left, and 2 of them were half full.... needless to say, was very very rough the day after, and had to work for 12 hours, and was late and thus made myself look entirely unprofessional to my new staff.... oops!!
So, the shop, its really really nice... very big, lots of different wine, including some that costs 80 quide a bottle! My how I've gone up in the world! Should be ok, a lot of work to be done on it, involving a lot of long hours... but hopefully only temporarily till I have it ticking over nicely... that is providing I don't explode into a big ball of stress beforehand... am having a few issues 'letting go' and am having horrible half awake half asleep dreams involving cash loss, shop alarms and inadvertently serving under-agers.... will try doing more yoga or something...
Anyway, am about to get kicked out of the internet cafe, so will sign off!
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| Wine.... |
[17 May 2005|11:45am] |
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mood |
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drained |
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music |
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VNV Nation - Empires |
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Just been to check we are all registered at the International Wine Fair... shouldn't have any problems getting Dean in as my 'employee', but Jesus, the place is a bit out of my league! Lots of people swanning around in suits, knowing ridiculous amounts of things about wine.. or at least looking like they did! Not sure Dean's gonna be so keen to go now.. I couldn't even work out how you got the samples, and tasting... have a sinking feeling it will involve me being confident, and, like, interacting with scary people.... I dunno, I'll see what Dean says, see if I can somehow inject myself with confidence... hmmmm....
Apart from that, well, I chickened out of moving house as well... am really quite settled, and at least comfortable where I am... been a bit anxious really - mainly due to the drink of course, so for now, I'll just concentrate on staying stable... ridiculous weekend though. 2 bottles to myself on Friday night cos i couldn't find anyone to come out with me.. was just about to leave and go out on my own, but thankfully Dean called and talked me out of it, so I had the second bottle and sat up talking to him all night, being a bit of a miserable moany bitch if I remember correctly!
Saturday was better, Polly was down with her mates, so I got to see her for a wee while, was really good, and hopefully she'll come down and see me more often - she loved it here as much as I do! They all went off to an indie club so I headed up to Camden to meet Dean and some of his mates - Brian and Kate, had a really good night, though I think by the end of it we were all a bit too worse for wear.. memories a little hazy, but I think it all went a bit wrong... Dean and i finally getting to sleep at about 10.30 am.... so had a complete waste of a day on Sunday... fucked up my sleeping pattern, and my state of mind... feeling better now though.. but i'm heading off to see Jo and James, and Kelvin and Francie who I haven't seen for years... tonight, probably shouldn't but... ah well!!!
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